Holding my voice as sacred as my soul

Some years ago I sang the least I have ever sung in my whole life. I lost my joy of singing and my confidence in myself as a singer. I felt deep sadness and frustration about it. Because singing is such an intrinsic part of who I am, I have been singing my whole life. As a young girl I spent hours in my room singing the greats: Whitney, Maria and Celine. I don't know if it sounded great back then, but I loved it, and I, as a highly sensitive being, had an outlet for all my emotions.

I used to struggle with my voice when I was younger. I got hoarse after singing a few songs. It might have been because I sang songs that were way too hard for me as a young girl or maybe my technique wasn’t right or maybe there were blocks, physically, mentally or energetically I wasn’t aware of.

I spent years getting to know my voice. I took individual lessons with different vocal teachers and studied at professional singing schools learning different techniques, but nothing really seemed to make that much of a difference for my voice. It wasn’t until years later when I discovered Speech Level Singing that I, after only a few months, could sing songs with ease, I before had a hard time singing. It was amazing for me to finally experience a breakthrough and find something that gave me a sense of success, progress and freedom. I started to gain more confidence as a singer and began to sing more publicly and feel more courageous and to enjoy singing. 

But something was missing. I was too much in my head about how it sounded, if I was in perfect pitch and if others liked my sound. I also missed finding my natural sound as I had been singing other people's songs and leaned on their voices. 

I started to go back to basics. Let go of all the vocal techniques I had studied throughout my life and began to sing mantras, intuitive singing and learn about vocal sound healing. A style of singing and an approach to the voice, where there is no right or wrong. I wanted to get to know my voice, my natural, raw and unique sound. I wanted to let go of all the perfectionism, the evaluation of each note, the judgement and self-criticism, the tendency to lose contact with myself in the need for and fear of, outside evaluation and validation. 

I became aware that I don’t want to sing for others. I want to sing for myself, first and foremost. Because I love it and because I like to express myself through the sound of my voice. I ultimately wanted to give my voice the conditions it needed to make sounds as freely and authentically as possible. And with my voice coming from a true and embodied place the receivers of my sound will naturally benefit. I believe that, when I am lovingly and truly connected with myself and my voice, I will connect with others in their heart and soul. 

I've been on a journey with vocal sound healing for the last two years, taugthed by the musician and vocal sound healer Githa Ben-David who has studied, researched and practiced music, singing and sound healing for more than 30 years. She teaches ‘The note from heaven’ which is basically singing the vowel aah on the note A. It sounds very simple and in some ways it is, but it is also very profound. Singing on the vowel and note aah for an extended period of 30 min. to 1 hour helps the chattering, analytical or critical voice in the head to quiet, it simply gets bored after a while because of the repetition. Also there is no right or wrong or any challenging shifts or changes to manage. There is just one vowel, one note, listening to the sound, being present with the sound and connecting inwards as well as connecting with a higher power. It’s meditative and you will eventually get into another state and experience that you can continue to make sound on one breath for a surprisingly long time. It’s the feeling of being sung, instead of singing. You are the channel for the sound, yet also the only one who can make that unique quality and specific sound. It’s a way to get a personal, raw and real relation with your sound. 

“A person is most beautiful when stripped down to who he or she really is. Only in that state is it possible to take off with the note from heaven.” When you listen within to your sound, you will discover how artificial it is to bolster yourself with voice-makeup. It is just showing off for the crowd. The ego animates the ego in its audience. It may seem like success, but, spiritually speaking, it is the complete opposite.”  

- Githa Ben David / The note from heaven

This is my longing. To develop a relation with myself and my voice that is so free, wild, playful and loving that nothing from the outside could ever quiet my voice. 

This relates to the record producer Rick Rubin’s approach to the process of creating, sharing art and the relation with the audience. He talks about this in his book, The creative act: A way of being.

“Part of the process of letting go is releasing any thoughts of how you or your piece will be received. When making art, the audience comes last. Let’s not consider how a piece will be received or a release strategy until the work is finished and we love it.” 

- Rick Rubin 

I think this can be transferred to the act of being a facilitator of sound meditation. I like to approach it with the intention of being a sensitive and emotional channel and a physical vessel with arms and hands to create sounds in co-creation with the instruments. That the sounds I make aren't about me and I am not there to be great or validated. I am there to create and offer an experience and a service that can potentially create a positive change in someone else. What that change will be is out of my hands. So therefore I don’t create the sounds for the participants as the first focus. To serve best I first need to create the best circumstances for myself and the sounds I make by eliminating any blocks that will limit my free expression. My focus will be as when I sing the note from heaven to make myself available to be a channel for love, light and devotion. As Rick Rubin says: “The truly creative act is an offering to God”

Singing for me has never been about a desire to be famous or to necessarily live off it. It has been about self-expression, release of emotions, creativity and self-exploration and just a deep fascination with the voice and its abilities to create different sounds and move the hearts in people, as well as its connection with all aspects of who I am, how I live my life and my inner state on all levels. 

Our voice is sacred, how we relate with it is sacred and how we share it with others is sacred. It’s the sound of our soul. 

- Louise